How can education help even our parents

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud.

These are supposedly real notes written by parents in the Memphis school district .

Spellings have been left intact.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
2. Please exkuce Lisa for being absent she was sick and I had her shot.
3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse Roland from p..e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
9. Please excuse ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
10. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyreadireathe the shits.
11. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
12. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
13. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
14. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
15. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday. We thought it was Sunday.
16. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
17. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
18. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
19. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
20. Please excuse Brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
21. Mary ann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat , her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.

How to ask for salary increase

Dear Bo$$,

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing$ mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,

Boy $oliman






The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:





Dear Boy,

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.

NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,

Manager

How to resign from work

A Boss looking through his Mail Box was astonished to see a mail from an employee who was supposed to be busy working at client side on a critical project. It had the subject – “Bye Bye Boss”. With the worst premonition he opened the mail and read the content with trembling hands:


Dear Sir,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you, but I’m leaving the job. The offer was too lucrative and attractive for me to turn down. I had to abscond because I wanted to avoid a scene with the HR and you. I am sorry but I had no choice.

The project is working fine. There are only 108 issues pending, out of which only 38% issues are High Priority. Hence I am sure there is no need to worry about. The next Phase of major enhancements I have been working upon, have been completed halfway. I am sure the new person who would replace me would not understand what all I had done so far. Hence, for his and your convenience, I have taken care to remove all the work that I had been doing this far for nearly 3 months now. I am sure you will appreciate my insight and “big heart”.

I am of course retaining the Originals that I had retrieved for the purpose of Passport verification with me, considering it as a parting gift from you. Of course, I will not pay the bond amount that I owe the company (since I Am breaking the bond). But I will consider this as a parting gift from our Dear company. I moving out of town since the new company is situated in another City.

Also, I have changed my contact number. So you will not be able to get in touch with me, to congratulate me. But I know your blessings are always with me. Last but not the least. I also have the Php12,000 entrusted to me by our company’s cultural events group, for the upcoming movie event. I am sure you would have wanted me to keep it with myself as an added bonus from our company. I respect you very much, hence your wish is my command.

Don’t worry sir. I am 2 years experienced now, learning so much from your company. So I will surely use this knowledge to write better programs for the new company. Someday I’m sure we will meet sometime in the future. If you wish, I will surely be glad to give my employee reference for you to apply for a job in the new company which I am joining.

Your faithful employee,

Boy Soliman

At the bottom of the page were the letters “PS”. Hands still trembling, the Boss read:

PS: Dearest Boss, none of the above is true. I’m am still busy working at client side. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my “Request to reconsider my Salary Appraisal” attached with this mail. Please approve it and call when it is safe for me to come to our Office to discuss this. My respect and Best Regards to you!

How Pinoys create chewing gum

PINOY EXPORT

Pedro, a Filipino (pinoy) is having his SNACK (bread and ube jam), when John, an American, chuckling chewing gum, sits down next to him.

Pedro ignores John who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

John: You Filipino folks eat the whole bread?

Pedro (in a bad mood): Of course.

John: (after blowing a huge bubble) We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into "pandesal" and export them to the Philippines.

John has a smirk on his face. The Pinoy listened in silence.

John persists: D'ya eat jelly with the bread?

Pedro: Of Course.

John: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and left-over in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and export them to the Philippines .

Pedro (kind of pissed na!) then asks: Do you have sex in America?

John: Why? Of course we do, with a big smirk.

Pedro: And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?

John: We throw them away, of course.

Pedro: In the Philippines, we don't throw them. We put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and export them to the States.

SOOO JUICY!!!!!

How to handle naughty junior girls

According to a news report, a certain private girl's school recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of junior girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

How come taxi drivers get a better treat in heaven

Taxi driver in Heaven

A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven.

St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.

'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.

The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion.

It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.

'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.

Next....

St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.

'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'

'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept.

But when the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'

How to improve your management skills in 5 minutes

Please find time to read this.

They are funny and we can learn somehow from these short lectures.

Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds,
Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbor,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in
a position to prevent avoidable exposure.


Lesson 2:

A Priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse,
an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.


Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.


Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.

They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there....


Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

How to fight for your woman

This is funny but do not try this at home or anywhere else or else...

Enjoy!

How to enter the Gates of Heaven

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.

They saw her and began calling greetings to her. "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love.."
The woman correctly spelled 'Love', and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.


While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her." I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.

" Czechoslovakia ."